Looking In The Right Places

Author and Editor: Ursula Vollmer 

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I’d like to think that walks do a good job of clearing my head. 

Out in nature, seeing the trees, feeling removed–you’d think everything would be perfect to set the scene for inner peace to flow through me. I mean, what could possibly be more ideal than a serene background and a time to move my body? Nothing. But unfortunately, my brain thinks differently than that.

Recently, I have found that these walks have become more of a reflection on my life’s choices. Yes of course I enjoy the exercise and the view, but there is something so much more delightful about allowing my brain to comb through events, pieces of the day and moments in time that do not leave my frame of consciousness. It's like finally getting the opportunity to explore a giant bookshelf or an old photo album. You love the idea and eventually hate the process. 

While it probably doesn’t help that I only listen to Gracie Abram’s The Secret of Us or Taylor Swift’s Folklore in these moments, there has been one thing my friend said to me on a recent “introspective” walk that I can’t get out of my head. 

In the mid morning haze we walked through Central Park where we found ourselves drifting to the conversation of maturity. We couldn’t quite figure out how in this age and place in our lives people still didn’t take some things seriously–feelings, relationships, the list goes on and on. Strolling by the bikers and runners we admired their sense of community and wondered if people had met their partners in situations like that: by doing something they genuinely wanted to do.

As we rounded the corner and watched them pass by in a blur, I thought maybe I had even reached a point in my life where I should join a run club, cooking class or book group to literally find anyone with a common interest of mine. I would be choosing to not only do something that would bring me joy, but also actively put myself in a place other people would hopefully feel that same way. And this is exactly when the next words that came out of my friend’s mouth resonated with me. 

“You know Ursula, maybe you just aren’t looking for a person in the right place. Maybe you need to put yourself in places where you actually will find a person that reflects what you want.” 

The thing is, up until this point I really had been doing a good job of putting myself out there. Or at least I thought so. At Barnard alone I had expanded my friend network, declared a major in the department I’m passionate about and worked to join clubs that reflected my personal interests. In my mind, I was proud of my progress.

But what my friend meant when it came to searching for love was that I was putting myself back in the places where I was left dissatisfied. She had me realize I was always left unfulfilled and searching for a reason why it didn’t work out, walking away more disappointed and frustrated from where I began. Her remarks made me think I can still go to all those familiar places and find all the familiar people, but I also have to work to find the new places–the territory that even brings out touch of nervousness under my skin. I realized maybe that familiarity never brings out anything but comfort and that trying the same thing too many times and expecting a different outcome is, dare I say, quite insane on my part. 

As I look to the next year, I want to try to think of the places where I would meet someone that reflects the same values or characteristics I have worked so hard to cultivate in myself. This means going to the places that I wouldn’t always put at the top of my list, unlike the bars, clubs and other backyards I’ve frequented. This means to seek outside of my comfort zone, especially in the relationship department. 

Emerging out of the park and onto the Upper East Side, I felt the clarity of my present situation. I felt that the right person would come to me without this immense amount of pressure I was putting on myself. I wouldn’t feel like I was trying to win someone over, but more so that we were on the same playing ground. 

The thing is, I may choose to ignore the constant “it will come when you least expect it” remarks from my friends in relationships because I know this. I know that if I’m in my right places, it is only a matter of time before the puzzle pieces come together.  

Once we said goodbye I walked away with no music–a final attempt at allowing the peace of my walk to stay with me. Yet as I rounded the street, I also walked away with a sense of confidence and the pull to explore new places. And even if I may not know what those places look like, I know exactly what the right ones feel like.

Photo Credit: Ursula Vollmer