I’m On My Way

Writer: Angelina O’Connor 

Editor: Ursula Vollmer 

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“I’ll be there in five!” I type with one hand while rushing out of my dorm to meet my friend for a night of dancing. Exploring the allure of nightlife in downtown New York City has become a part of my weekend routine. Tonight, our plan is unstructured, starting our night at our favorite cocktail lounge and letting our final destination remain unknown. 

This spontaneity is a common way of doing things for us, going where the wind blows. But as I clomped down the stairs in my black strappy heels, I realized I forgot my campus ID. With a frustrated sigh, I went back into my room, grabbed my wallet, and left again, slamming the front door and speeding to the elevator.

Moments like this happen often to me – setbacks that interrupt the thrill that comes from being in a frenzied rush to get somewhere for a social or extracurricular occasion (which is always). There is always something that I need that I end up leaving behind. As these little mishaps became more frequent, I started to wonder: Am I leaving myself behind too, chasing fleeting and thrilling moments in my twenties?

As I’m writing this in September of 2024, I am in a very different place in my life, and I’m almost certain that’s a good thing. In the past, when I declared myself as stepping into a “new era,” it has been to signify a rough time or difficult transition period. While those still happen because such is life,  this time feels different. It feels more thoughtful, more reflective. I feel like I’m prioritizing the things I truly need. 

Over the past year, I’ve noticed a pattern in how I navigate life, often taking the path of least resistance to reach my destinations. But I began to question whether this was still serving me. Was prioritizing my wants over my needs still working? I found myself hesitant to fully embrace this “different place” I was entering, unsure of who I’d find there and what I’d learn by really listening to myself.

Who am I now? A girl who chooses to stay in sometimes instead of going out? Someone who cancels a date because she realizes she doesn’t really want to date anyone right now? A person who understands that she should always be her number one priority?

At first, accepting this newfound understanding was difficult. I questioned if I was leaving behind parts of myself that I loved and needed. I realize now, it’s not that I am leaving a version of myself behind, but rather that I am getting in the car with her, taking the wheel, and giving her a rest. She's been steering for a long time now. I am in the driver's seat now, this new me, heading into this “different place” to explore a little. I don’t have the directions, but I have a sense of where I want to go. In control of the steering wheel now, I feel confident about deciding which  roads to travel. But I know when I leave in a hurry to go somewhere, I must remember to look back to make sure I’ve left nothing behind. 

I’m on my way! I may not get there “in five,” but I’ll get there. And when I do, I may have to get out of the car, take a backseat, and allow a whole new version of myself to take the wheel. I might be tired, and she may know exactly what I need. So to anyone else who feels they’ve entered or exited a kind of “different place” like I have, my advice is this: When moving through these stages of life, take a look back every now and then. 

Sometimes our wants and needs don’t align, but when you realize that can be a good thing, you’ll know you have gotten there.

If we ever cross paths on our journeys, I’ll see you when we get there. Wherever that may be.

Photo Credit: Ursula Vollmer